Notes

Once I served The Nothing
My car is full of spiders
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I am going to cover one eye
I am depleting the quantity of incoming stimuli to the betterment of greater exclusivity
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Unable or unwilling to differentiate between varying collections of sensory experience and this location is indented and experience [illegible] all of colors and sounds the pressing immediacy of form and object
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Microfiche

Describe the circumstances in which one would level a flare gun at the horizon instead of vertically: entity one wishes to contact is both known and distant
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There's this false expectation that a relationship should last forever. And that's ridiculous. Every relationship eventually ends and that's okay. The expectation creates a hostage scenario. And it makes for awkward situations in which you can't be friends with that person or even be around them.
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Everything is moving but me most of all. I cannot be still I cannot find stillness nor certitude.
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trying to invent rules mutually exclusive goals worry about spectrum and brain growth rates

1. communicate/provide an authentic representation
2. successfully engage

grapple with the postmodern division that has become too common

do you see what I see? do you hear what I hear?
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Confessional
Deep leviathan crown prince of the new sincerity I am interested in the development of my personal brand I cannot function independently I am motivated by shame I need a girl who is better than me I am terrified of girls who are better than me I just want to get drunk and talk about dark matter I have a thing for ponytails
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as mistakes accrue
the extent of work that the muscles do
to hinder and hold what they might of you
truthfully, I don't know what you're going through
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Haunted House next door
wet rock and curtained windows
slate shingles flecked with oxblood and bleak view obstructed by bare trunks
and telephone wire
scaled siding, cake, spoiled sugar/confection
slime, serpentine
white chimney, cracked ivory darkened fire damage
especially today it's raining
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a peck, tip of my nose
the few strands that work their way across a headband
the hollow of my arms filled neatly
a soothing of the chest completely
the note I produce is a
vibration/a resonance
I think in D
I think in D
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this is so simple
a smaller pattern of fewer threads, one band of color,
don't spoil the arrangement
through touch
or at least insensate grabbing
a harsh and directionless need
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The benefit of breath
is largely
the altitude of momentum
and not
the power to comment on same
as once I suspected
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Geryon, Moloch
shall we mythologize
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FAVORITE
CRAVE
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Brunettes are great because the follicles are filled up so it feels like you're getting your money's worth.
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Identifying something as awkward says more about your lack of social facility than it does about the situation.
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"More weight"

The difference is temperance born of fatigue. A blunting of sensation (that allows for a cleaner, more efficient interaction of cogs) I don't feel so much better as *heavier* which mimics the motion of deliberate choice

a chronic but sustainable malaise

Henry Miller's Writing Commandments

1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to "Black Spring."
3. Don't be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
5. When you can't create you can work.
6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
8. Don't be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
9. Discard the Program when you feel like it -- but go back to it the next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.
10. Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
11. Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards.

Civilization

Feel this. Bathe in this.

Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The Disease Perspective

PTypes personality types proposes Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a pervasive pattern of unstable, "overtly narcissistic behaviors [that] derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem" (Millon), beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by ten (or more) of the following:

·         X  seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image of high self-worth (Millon);

·         _  has disturbances in the capacity for empathy (Forman);

·         _  strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a feeling of self-worth;

·         X  may acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements of others are ridiculed and degraded (Millon);

·         X  has persistent aspirations for glory and status (Millon);

·         X  has a tendency to exaggerate and boast (Millon);

·         X  is sensitive to how others react to him or her, watches and listens carefully for critical judgment, and feels slighted by disapproval (Millon);

·         X  is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially hyper-anxious and vulnerable to the judgments of others (Millon);

·         X  covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity (Millon);

·         _  has a tendency to periodic hypochondria (Forman);

·         X  alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and states of excitement and excess energy (Forman);

·         X  entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for perfection, genius, or stardom (Forman);

·         X  has a history of searching for an idealized partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships (Forman);

·         X  frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated, and unrealistic concept of himself or herself which he or she can't possibly measure up to (Reich);

·         _  produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his or her abilities because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate gratification of success (Reich);

·         X  is touchy, quick to take offense at the slightest provocation, continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and fantasies of revenge when he or she feels frustrated in his or her need for constant admiration (Reich);

·         X  is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others (Reich);

·         X  suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem (Reich);

·         X  seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone's attention and admiration upon himself or herself (Reich);

·         X  may react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of fulfillment of his or her grandiose expectations (Riso).

The Behavior Perspective

"Delophilia: ["exhibitionism"] can be defined as the desire to express oneself and to fascinate others by one's self-exposure, to show and to impress, to merge with the other through communication" (Wurmser, pg. 158). With the delophilic drive "the subject basically wants to overpower the object by the magic force of his expressions, of his looking, talking, and thinking; he wants to fascinate, charm, mesmerize, magnetize, subjugate the other and merge with him" (pg. 165).


"Theatophilia ["idealization"] can be defined as the desire to watch and observe, to admire and to be fascinated, to merge and master through attentive looking"...(pg. 158). With the theatophilic drive "the magical force of the object is incorporated, identified with, submitted to, and merged with, with the help of looking, hearing, and being touched; one is filled with, gripped by the power of the awe-inspiring object and becomes enthusiastically enriched" (pg. 165).

Thanks Mark. I have no idea what to do with this information.

No More Michael Jackson

I listen to this over and over and over.

Keep on the Borderlands; III

As a child they said to me, “You have no place in this atmosphere,” and they said to me, “Did you make any friends today?” and I looked away, preferring to pretend that I had not heard and hasten home to be alone once more forever.

The apothecaries were summoned, as you might imagine. I was given tests. I was measured in this way and in that way. Solutions were proposed.

The meat suit was mine.

Dinners were a hurried affair, brisk but inclined toward added value and ventures undertaken to better know my sisters and myself. “Families who eat together stay together,” Mother would often say, thinking back to lonesome nights alone with a heavy pan and mewling brethren, father heedless and her own mother bested by another spell. In her heart she dreamed of future construction.

Big would eyeball the table’s length and call out our lapses in protocol. We had done too much of this and too little of that. She would use her napkin and then use my father’s, too engrossed to spare attention on her own place and missing forkfuls, staining blouses.

Little did her best to eat nothing. Portions were separated, divided into smaller and smaller pieces, presumably to create the impression that their total volume had decreased somehow. She would tuck the odd nugget of food beneath her napkin, a floret up under the table ledge, a crust into the dog’s mouth.

I employed similar methods but with meat specifically. Only the smallest slivers could be safely secreted into pocket or sock without raising suspicion. The suit would require so much more meat than I had originally thought and I had found no other means of procurement, so gather I did hungry or no. It was a slow process and my digestion suffered for it.

Assembly took like forever and the thing basically stank. Movement was accomplished by means of metal rods driven through each appendage and waxed line cables connecting each to the series of levers operated from the driver’s recess, a pod of sorts inside the construct’s abdomen. It was simple and inelegant, driven less by clever mechanics than by the necromancy I was at last resigned to employ. That is how such things begin, I suppose. Mike and I at the library had found a record on which Vincent Price explained how such things might be accomplished and we dutifully transcribed each line, marking intonation, together planning to attack Saddam Hussein with death magic when we were better men. From Vincent’s clues I puzzled out some elementary principles, the rudiments of offhand cantrip and simple countryside nonsense, Mike having already forsaken the whole project as unseemly. And it was. With tubes down the throat and another astride my crotch I wondered again at the wisdom of this course, if it was not better to simply play alone.

I lumbered out into the company of others and they said to me, “Ambient temperature seventy-six degrees,” and they said to me, “All systems nominal.”

Camera Phone

The leg extended past my corner position to bisect the distance between where the body had begun and the chair beside me. The passage was cramped enough to cause some discomfort. Her pitch rose and fell, delighted exhalation fixated upon the squeaking visage camouflaged in paints and arching brow. Body followed leg and settled in the vacant seat while arms slapped at the air like carp to best illumine some special moment of dialogue. Then, greetings having been properly observed, it was time to consider other matters.

“Do you want to see what I’m doing for my birthday? Are you sure?”

“Uh, I guess?” replied the newly seated.

The first waggled at the phone for a moment and then held out the screen triumphantly. “This!”

“Oh, my God! It’s so big!”

“Yeah,” she cooed. “His name is…flying into New York to meet me…I’m not going to marry him, I’ve just always liked big guys…”

You can still see the hull breach where the initial damage occurred. Cracks, especially under the eyes about which foundation could do nothing. Pretty shoddy workmanship. I hunkered over the table and busied my hands.

The lighting bristled overhead, collecting the microbial plant and animal life that thrive here in teeming clouds of umber vapor. They move about under the auspice of hidden barometric pockets and unfelt winds. I often catch the others glancing up but we never discuss this. We don’t really discuss much, actually. I prefer that to the alternative. It’s okay because I belong in Halloween Town. I am necessary.

The windows behind were rimmed in frost. Beyond that the ground fell away. Crepe paper bats rotated in the squinting light.