Humor

I have a complicated relationship with humor. It’s a tool and a straitjacket. Humor is an alternate victory condition like shooting the moon. It allows you to bring to bear a certain skill set that is not normally useful in socialization.

The Good: It delights and amuses, makes you distinct and memorable, encourages others to talk to you and spend time in your presence. Women love it provided they aren’t stupid (see “The Bad”). It’s especially useful for disarming situations – this is my specialty.

I found out early that I could say awful things and get away with otherwise inexcusable behavior by carefully deploying a great line. Each time it gets easier. Once people get accustomed to dry humor, especially dry humor that might take them a few minutes to understand, they brace for it. When you wear the groove deeply enough they begin to laugh before you’re even finished speaking in sheer anticipation.

The Bad: Of course, because of that, it’s often difficult for others to know when you’re being serious. When one pendulums between great seriousness and great jest the end result can be frustrating for both speaker and listener. It becomes an obligation. They expect performance. You may find yourself in social situations in which you provide much entertainment and receive little in return.

You also need to read an audience. Those you know well are easy. A well timed callback to something that happened in your common past or a reference to a mutually loved film is usually adequate. Strangers are harder. What one person might find hilarious another might find offensive. Wit typically requires a certain amount of active attention and analysis, even for simple word play. Many cannot do this and find such talk snobbish. Like using weighty vocabulary or scratching your crotch it must be done in select company.

Peddling in humor has another interesting and unexpected effect on social choices. The laugh becomes the prize. There is immediate positive feedback when it’s done properly and you start to hunger for that feedback. The interesting part is that not all laughter is equally satisfying. Part of this has to do with seeking approval. If you respect the listener and his or her judgment, the potential they offer is superior. There’s also a strictly tonal element. There are people who have an amazing laugh, one that is simply a joy to elicit. There are people who I find rather boring but love to talk with because they laugh so well. The opposite is also true.